Remembrance
A few weeks ago, I celebrated the birthday of somebody close to my heart who is no longer around. On April 8th, I observed the birthday of the late Kim Jonghyun, the lead singer of the K-pop band SHINee. No matter how weird it was asking my parents to cooperate with me on celebrating the birthday of a Korean pop idol, I had the time to spend on it and the intent to make it a special day.
As a SHINee fan since 2010, I’ve been celebrating SHINee’s birthdays in little ways every year, but I felt like trying something new. The day before Jonghyun’s birthday, I headed to the grocery store with my mask, washed my hands at the door, and gathered the ingredients I needed in order to make my very first sponge cake. I picked up my order from Target, a shiny new pearl aqua hand blender, and headed to the Asian market to pick up the supplies for naengmyeon, a cold noodle dish commonly eaten during the summer in Korea and one of Jonghyun’s favorite foods.
I started cooking the night before Jonghyun’s birthday. I threw together an overnight stock of beef, onions and garlic. The next day, I baked a lemon vanilla sponge. I whipped cream and powdered sugar into hard peaks for a frosting, nearly making butter. The cake I made is commonly eaten during Christmastime in Korea, and it’s one I’ve seen Jonghyun receive previously, with mango on top, of course. When he was alive, his sweet tooth was one to be reckoned with. While I was working, I watched one of my favorite concert DVDs out of my SHINee collection, in which Jonghyun has sakura pink hair. I’ve always found their concerts relaxing, and the action of making food while watching it was almost meditative.
When it was time to cut the cake, I lit a single white candle with an aqua spiral around it and wished for his best possible afterlife and for the health of his family, blowing it out for him. I’m not sure what he would wish for: a new car, an entire spread of Korean barbeque, or (more than likely) for the health of his loved ones. He was always so loving toward his mom and sister, as well as toward his dog Roo, who he was often seen coddling during live streams. His support also spread outward to his fans. For a number of years, fans had a direct line to Jonghyun via his midnight talk show, Blue Night Radio, and received advice from him regarding everything from how to comfort somebody to the importance of crying, broadcasts I still listen to today.
We’re living in very odd times. Grief from the epidemic is hitting us from every angle, and anything on top of that seems to make things so much worse. As humans, we take great lengths of time to grieve; even years. I had to take a year away from SHINee when Jonghyun passed because it was too much to bear. Right now, there is so much to mourn that it seems impossible to take the time to face our grief. We have lost our regular life activities, some have lost jobs, others have lost loved ones during this crisis.
We can’t run away, and if we do, reality has a tendancy to catch up quickly. It’s important to acknowledge our grief, and to be patient with ourselves as we process our sorrows.
While there’s so much darkness swirling around us, it’s also important that we take time to observe the light. For me, in my very oddly contemplative way, this is my way of adding light to a dark situation: loving somebody and cherishing the life he had by celebrating his birthday.
As I write this, I’m looking up at the moon, so big and bright. Sometimes when I’m thinking of Jonghyun, it seems to turn blue. To all my readers out there who are missing friends and family: look up at the moon, and you might just see the people you love.
Jonghyun: 1990.04.08 - 2017.12.18
Source: https://imsorrykjh.tistory.com/170
Writer: Claire White
Claire White is a senior at Western Washington University primed to graduate with a BA in English Literature. She enjoys cooking new recipes, playing her violin, and cuddling her hamster, Finn, who in return will try to chew up her SHINee collection. She loves him anyway.